Jan 3 – As my New Year’s resolution I decided to
dress down and go and see how the other half live. Goodness me. One poor child was collecting snails in a tin
to EAT. He said his family ate bits of frog, too, even the hind legs, but they
were harder to catch. Felt so sad, I had to go for a therapeutic perm.
Feb 5 – Was eating a delicious bichon au citron from
that new place in the 18th arrondissement when I had an absolute
brainwave. If the peasants can’t afford
bread, let them eat cake! Had my hair done to celebrate.
April 14 – When I said “let them eat cake”, I had no
idea they would want to eat so much of it, or that they would expect the royal
baker to provide it. They want it for breakfast, lunch and supper, with a slice
at tea time too. I was so worried about how we’re going to afford it all, I had to go to the hair salon.
April 25 – Now they’ve discovered wedding
cakes. At first they were happy with
three tiers and bit of plain icing, but then it was, “Oh, cousin Lucienne had
four tiers and sweet little sugar roses, why can’t I?” Now six tiers is the
standard, and some are holding out for seven. Pierre, the cute courtier over at
Versailles, said we should spread a rumour that a seven-tier cake is bad luck
and if you have one at your wedding you’ll be barren forever. But what if they
just skip seven and demand eight?
June 18 – Where did this craze for little fondant
figures of a bride and groom on top of the cake come from? Had my hair done.
July 14 – Felt weird all day. As if my head was
separated from my body. Had my hair done.
Aug 3 – Birthdays. Who knew they existed? Now
suddenly all the peasants are making a note of the day they were born and then
celebrating every miserable year that they manage to survive. And of course
they need a cake for the occasion. Changed my hair colour.
Aug 15 – That awful little man in charge of the
pantry came to report we’re running out of sugar. Well go and buy some more, I
yelled regally. I mean the whole country is running out of sugar, Ma’am, he
replied. Went to the hairdresser.
Oct 16 – Louis very cross. He says the only place to
get more sugar is some dreadful steamy island on the edge of the world. The
navy has set off to colonise it.
Oct 26 – Why does everyone want to have a chocolate
cake? Next, we’re going to have to
invade West Africa for the coca. What a bore. Louis says mark his words, one
day we’ll end up with an immigrant problem and it won’t be his fault. Guess
whose fault he thinks it really will be.
Nov 5 – Instead of saying let them eat cake, I
should have said “off with their heads”. I so wanted to go down in history as
“that nice benevolent despot, Marie Antoinette”, but now everyone’s going to
call me that nasty imperialist cow. At least they’ll remember my hair, though.
Dec 5 – Christmas cake! They’re demanding tons of
it. Bloody Holy Roman Empire. Had my hair done.
Jan 2 – Another brainwave! Let them eat HEALTHY
cake! Pierre is going to spread the word that sugar and chocolate are potions
distributed by witches to make people fat and give them unsightly spots. Instead, they can have carrot cake! Cabbage
cake! Turnip cake! And grow the stuff themselves. Had my hair done.
Jan 7 – Louis is always so negative. He says if I
let them eat cabbage cake, we can expect a revolution.
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